Marie Callender, defender of equality

Sunday, August 08, 2004


There are some opportunities that you can miss and feel fine about it.

I was on the phone with my buddy back home, and he'd just gotten back from the store, stocking up on Marie Callender's Pot Pies. Two for five bucks!

I had just been to the store. I considered checking out the pot pies, but I didn't. I could have gotten them on sale. I can't go back now; they're not on sale any more.


I didn't feel too bad about it until later.


A few months ago, I sat in the Jury Selection room next to Anthony, an inner-city 19-year-old who's dad had been in jail, you know, not an easy life. All I wanted was to read my Orson Scott Card, but he couldn't stop talking, and eventually got around to his absolute hatred of wife-beaters. Couldn't stand it when guys beat up on their wives, their girlfriends. His dad beat up on his mom, you see.

Hey, that's pretty admirable. He's learning from his dad's actions rather than just learning to emulate them.

Forty-five minutes later he told me about this girlfriend that cheated on him, so after class one day he grabbed her by the hair and dragged her out of school.

I thought you hated guys that beat up on girls?


His reply was, "Hey, I never laid a hand on her."


He went on to describe how he'd cut the corners close so she'd bang into doorframes as he was dragging her to the parking lot. He made a big deal out of demonstrating how he'd swing her around and shout "BAMM!" to illustrate it to me.


Part of his previous episode of I Hate Wife Beaters included a skit where he saw some kid in the parking lot smacking a girl, so Anthony stormed up and pushed that guy around until he left her alone.

But what if he never laid a hand on her, Anthony? If he was wailing on her with a two-by-four, it would have been okay? If he had been shoving her through a car window, would you have run up and high-fived him? Way to show that girl what she's got coming to her! Just don't let your fingers touch her face, man. That's where the crime is.


I made some muttering comment along the lines of "Aww, that's no good, man," but he just kept saying "I never laid a hand on her." I didn't really press it. I didn't call him out on it.


I never asked him all the things I should have, like how it's different if you hit her with your fist or a wall. Or if, as you're dragging her by the hair into doors, she's thinking to herself, "Thank God he's not beating me." But Anthony never thought to consider if he'd be just as pissed if somebody slugged him in the jaw or if they threw a TV playing CHiPs reruns on his head.

The hypocrisy was raining down in little flakes. He paid allegiance to that phrase, "I never laid a hand on her," and was even a little proud as he said it. Proud to not be following in his father's footsteps, I suppose. He paid such allegiance to the literal words he'd completely ignored their meaning.



It was so bad that as I think about it now, he could have been making it all up just to see what reaction he'd get out of me. I hope that's what it was. That would be a less galling explanation than the idea that he couldn't see his own contradictions. By his gesticulating enthusiasm and the absolute glee in his eye, I could tell it never occurred to him that somebody would disagree with him.


I'll never get the chance to find that guy again and have it out with him. The sale's over. I could have at least let him know that I'm one person who thinks he's full of crap, and all the suffering his mom went through is all wasted. The only thing he learned from it is how to twist good logic to make excuses for himself. Having just written that, I wonder how big a problem it is with youth today. Hell, with everybody.


I feel just as bad for not calling him out as he should for slapping up some girl. Next time somebody does something like that in front of me, I'm gonna be all in their face, even if it gets me socked in the jaw. I owe it to that girl Anthony knocked around.



When you see those pot pies on sale, stock up. Pot pies are the fuel of the righteous.

posted by Scotty 2-shots at 1:44 PM